Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when
he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge
holding her pet cat in her arms. "Hey lady!" yelled Larry. "Throw me
the cat!" "No!" she cried. "It's too far!" "I play football, I can catch
him!" The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman
waved to Larry, kissed her cat good-bye, and tossed it down to the street.
Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The
feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch
it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one-handed
catch. The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers.
Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his
knees back and forth... .
Then spiked the cat into the pavement.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a women talks nasty to a man? - $3.99 a minute.
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was
a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend.
She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook
this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time
schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's
schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived
right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking
up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally
asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make
the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly
fine. I tested them all just before we left."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car
or a new wife."
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to
seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, laid on the couch, spilled
his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make
him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then
sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um,
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the
defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in
bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take
out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and
not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting
a different man every day!"
This redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor
examining him says, "Well, I can't seem to find the problem, but
I think it has something to do with alcohol"
The redneck replies, "Well, then, I'll come back when you're sober."
If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small
I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend's forehead."
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached
the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting
his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance
vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And
then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany",
a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what
I had to do...
................Quit drinking before noon.
WINE OR NOT?
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery,
a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered
for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used
to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently,
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing.
I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home
with my mother."
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand.
"I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is
no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night
of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
Slow Golfers Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on
their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held
up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers
to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets
about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what
the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my
mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started
toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to
ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned
around. Joe asked "What's wrong?" "It's a small, small world Joe, and
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were
blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake
was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't
mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm
going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my
story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth,
and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither
over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the
snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you
have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious
Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "maybe I could feel you
with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the
bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue,
no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician,
an attorney, or possibly part of upper management."
LIFE'S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand
* Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Her best friend once sent her a post card with a
picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.
On the back it said: "Wish you were here."
An old man walks into a bar and says "OUCH!"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him
on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the
name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife
looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do her duty around
the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse phoned."
A guy walks into a bar holding a turtle. The turtle has two bandaged
legs,a black eye and his shell is held together with duct tape.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Nothing,"
the man responds.
"This turtle is very fast. Have your dog stand at the end of the
bar. Then you go stand at the other end of the room and call him. Before
that mutt reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, sets his dog at one side of the
room. Then he goes to the other side and calls him.
Suddenly, the guy picks up his bandaged turtle and throws it across
the room, narrowly missing the bartender and smashing it into the wall.
"Told you it would be there before your dog."
"Drinking removes warts and dimples. Not from me, but from those
I look at."
- Jackie Gleason
I think someone should invent Beerguard, because how often do you actually
spill Scotch on the carpet?
Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes."
- H.D. Thoreau
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house."
- Rod Stewart
"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."
- Elizabeth Taylor
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the
side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering
what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the
electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe
the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion:
"If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows
again, maybe it'll work!?"
"You don't just live in life. You shape it. You change it."
- Steve Jobs
"Success is a menace, it makes smart people think they can't lose."
Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans
1. Blaming your gas on me! Not Funny
2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you idiot.
3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet! Idiot!
7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.
8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
9. Dog Sweaters
10. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain you nitwit.
A blonde had all the windows in her house replaced with new
double-insulated energy-efficient windows. Twelve months
later, she gets an irate call from the contractor complaining
that the work has now been done for a year, and despite
repeated bills, and collection notices, she has yet to make
the first payment. She replies, "Now, don't try to pull a
fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that
in one year they would pay for themselves."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at
a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order,
asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although,
when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but
it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs.
Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best
of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to
feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how
old am I? "
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
"That is amazing. How did you know?"
"I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
Physicians and Attorneys
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window
seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney
got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling
in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get
up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe
and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That
looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone,
the other physician picked up the other shoe and
spat in it. The attorney
returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane
was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting
between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting
in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Noah's Ark Problems in 2000
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks
to Noah and says, "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover
the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save
the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember" said the Lord,"You must complete the Ark and
bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in
his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me! "cried Noah. "I did my best, but
there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply
with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected,
claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban
on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish
and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls on the ark.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on
the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineering demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a
complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that
I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice
from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register
the Ark as a recreational water craft.
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth,
it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us
"Knowing you are a fool is the beginning of wisdom."
A blonde girl calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries. The dispatcher says,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
"If I can't be happy with another man's wife, how can I be happy
with one of my own?"
- Pierre - minor character in "That Night in Rio" (1941)
"The difference between me and a journalist is that I write good
- Tom Clancey
"Marriage, to women as to men, must be a luxury, not a necessity;
an incident of life, not all of it."
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers, and the CEO thinks this is his chance to
show everyone he means business!
He walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200
a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "I pay my
work, not stand around. Here's a week's pay; now GET OUT and don't come
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the
the shocked expression on everyone's face and asks,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the
pizza delivery guy."
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
-- Women's rest room, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are
-- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting
up with her crap.
---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill,
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
---Women's rest room, The Filling Station, Bozeman,
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have trouble with it.
---Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
No wonder you always go home alone.
---Sign over mirror in Men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills, CA
Beauty is only a light switch away.
--- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
---The Irish Times, Washington, DC
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff,
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--- Revolution Books, New York, New York
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
---Men's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of
the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace
Company merge to become Hale-Mary-Fuller-Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere-Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey-I'm-Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine-All-Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED-UP.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell-Honeychild.
3M, J.C.Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3-Penney-Opera.
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere
in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history,
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
"I sure do." Answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard." Replied
"That's real good." The redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you
have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, GAAAAAAWL-LEEE!!"
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you
are heterosexual, rather than homosexual" said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?" Cooter asks.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a lawn mower?"
"Nope."..., replies Cooter.
"You're a queer, ain't ya!?
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden,
but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him,
was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato
garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig
the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the
At 4 a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.
ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
If he says that you are too good for him--believe it.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
Need An Excuse?
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening
drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red
and blue light behind him.
Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster.
The needle hit 130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined
it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull
over. I don't feel like more paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like
that, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't
heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and
I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.
One day the Pope is coming out of a meeting in New York.
He gets into his limo, and the limo driver pulls out and gets on the
The Pope taps on the glass, and says, "Would you mind if I drove?"
The limo driver says, "I'm really not supposed to do that."
The Pope replies "I have my license and everything. I won't tell
The limo driver still won't do it.
Finally, the Pope says, "What if I told you that if you let me
drive, you'll go straight to heaven." The limo driver pulls over
and they switch places.
The Pope takes off. 50 MPH. 60 MPH. He's flying down the road at 90
when a cop pulls out and chases him down.
The cop gets out, taps on the window, and the Pope rolls it down. The
says, "Hold on one minute."
He goes back and radios dispatch, saying "What are we supposed
to do if we pull over someone REALLY important?"
The dispatcher says, "Like who?" The cop says "I mean
somebody REALLY, REALLY
The dispatcher says, "Who is it?"
The cop says, "I mean, this guy is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY important!!"
The dispatcher yells, "Well who is it?!"
The cop says, "I don't know, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!"
Due to increasing product liability litigation, American brewers and
liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tyiperelly
There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stops by the side
of the road and the three engineers look at each other wondering what
could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
and trying to trace where the fault might have occurred.
engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel
becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer,
not knowing much about anything , comes up with a suggestion, "Why
close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again,
maybe it'll work!?"
Use the e-Form Above and Help Fill This Space With Your Best or Worst
A blonde walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispered,
"Can I have a burger and fries?"
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife like to read. One morning the husband returns after several
hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with
the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
> 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Greeting Cards That You Need!
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
What do you call a mad bouncer with two bananas in his ears?
Anything you like, he can't hear you!
Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I
was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes,
brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row." Psychiatrist: "Hold it, Andy.
That doesn't sound so terrible." Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the
third girl from the end."
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Coors and sits
in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished then, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him,"You know a mug goes flat
after I draw it, so it would taste better if you bought one at a time.
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
is in Australia and the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When
we all left home, we promised that we would drink this way to remember
the days we drank together. So, I drink one for each of my brothers
and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day he comes in
and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall
silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted
to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains . . . . ."
It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I
had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
Miami residents turn on the heat
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
Italian cars don't start
You plan your vacation to Australia
Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
You need jumper cables to get the car going
American cars don't start
Alaskans put on T-shirts
German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
When you have an "I hate my job day" try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made
by "Johnson and Johnson". Be very sure you get this brand. When
home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you
will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable
clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not
become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the
thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times, "I am so glad I
work for Quality Control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone with a worse job
A smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
same thing to them at funerals.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines
the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me
you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered
Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only
to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin,
she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again
reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the
step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was